As I began 2020, I got straight into my first struggle yet a very beautiful learning and revelation. I genuinely wanted to write a letter of gratitude to God counting my blessings during the past year. That’s when the struggle began. As I struggled to recount everything into a beautiful letter, I began to daydream how a similar letter from my son to me, will sound like.
“Dear Daddy, As I look back at 2019, I want to thank you immensely for the following beautiful things you did for me: For paying my fees to keep me in school, for the help with my homework, for the birthday and Christmas gifts, for paying for my music lessons, the paid vacation, for all the toys, new shoes and clothes and above all, for the promise of a better life this new year. Thank you so much for I am really grateful”
Well on the face of it, how lovely from an 8-year old! There is every good intention in there. A gracious son desperate to let me know how truly he appreciates the great things I did for him. He must have taken time to reflect on the past year and the genuine fatherly efforts I made to make him smile and had taken time to list them. And naturally as a child and a human being, it is certainly what he remembers, what stood out for him and what mattered to him that he penned down in gratitude to me. In his mind, he has recounted all and I should be happy to read this. He blissfully envelopes it, maybe ribbons it and addresses it: “To the best Dad in the world!” He can’t wait to hand it in and to gladden my heart. And then he does!
The daydream continues….
So then I receive it and read it. Then I smile and hug him. But then as I let go off the hug, it suddenly occurs to me – what about? What about what, I ask myself. This hug! I don’t recall reading it in his letter, but I have done this every day for 365 days. So slowly I take the letter to my room. I sit on my bed, read it through again and begin to also recount what I did for him in the year gone by that is missing in the letter. What about the love? What about the important meetings and time with friends I missed because I had to drop and pick him from school when I could have sent a taxi or let him join the school bus? What about the sleepless nights when he was sick and running temperature? What about the lantern I held to him when the lights were off so many times and he had to eat or study? The times I spent by his hospital bedside when he was ill? The meals I made for him and the heat and burns I endured? What about the many times I held his hand to cross the road to protect him? When I bought his books and ironed his uniforms even before mine? When I worried when he was in pain? What about the scolding and spanking to correct him? What about when I refused to allow him to play with those bad friends because they would have corrupted him without his knowledge? What about when I refused him that gadget because he would have misused it? What about the shelter I provide? The toiletries he uses? The clean water at his disposal every day? The injections and medicine I insisted he took to restore his health though it was painful and uncomfortable for him? What about his brother and how I care for him so he has a play mate at home? And what about thanking me for being me and all the mental emotional energy I spend trying to make things beautiful for him? What about all these? Should I feel (even a little bit) this way because he chose to recount the things that mattered to him or those he knew about and in doing so, left out all these? Why should I even feel this way knowing he is only but an 8-year old child?
This is when I snapped out of my daydreaming and behold, my sheet was still blank. What just happened?
Will God, my heavenly father, feel the same way as I felt if I am to focus my gratitude letter on the good things that made me feel good? Perhaps He will. But just as my son did, I do have all the good intentions in trying to recount and write up a beautiful letter of all the good things He did for me. He is God who looks at the heart so why would He feel the way I just felt about my son’s beautiful intentions and letter?
Then it struck me. We tend to still think God is so far from being human that He never feels the way we do. We think He is so divine He can’t be human. We forget He became human and lived like us. That Jesus got hungry, sneezed, felt sleepy, learnt to crawl and walk, stumbled and fell, got hurt and cried, was betrayed and rejected just like we do – that He was completely human.
So, may I submit that if I (in my daydreaming), could feel a little disappointed that my son was selective in his gratitude no matter how beautiful and thoughtful his attempt was, then God, my father, could also feel that way if I am thankful only for the good news, the good things and the good memories. What about the so-called bad memories? The pain, disappointments, bad news, bad luck and the missed opportunities. What about the things he did for me in 2019 without my knowledge or the painful experiences he permitted to toughen me and made me grow? Most importantly, what about those repeated fervent prayers that I think and feel didn’t get answered? Should I also fall into the trap of selective gratitude though with all good intentions?
And so, the Psalmist says, “But then I recall ALL you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.” (Emphasis on ALL is mine). And once upon a time, Apostle Paul also wrote to the Thessalonians, “Be thankful in ALL circumstances.” (Again emphasis on ALL is mine).
So, then it struck me again, that my best attempt at ingratitude to God for 2019 will be my attempt to count my blessings. The word Count as a verb literally means determine the total number of. And as a noun, the act of determining the total number of something. So how dare I attempt the arduous task of determining the total number of God’s blessings for me in the whole of 2019?
Then I got the message. My gratitude to God cannot be selective and neither is my finite mind capable of recounting everything that God worked out for me nor can I even comprehend it. I must thank Him for the good things I liked, the so-called bad things I didn’t like, my so-called unanswered prayers and those I don’t even know about. So, I write:
To the best Dad ever:
“Dear Daddy, I am grateful for 2019 gone by. I am thankful for ALL that you did that I know about and even more, for ALL that I do not know about. Thank you for everything that brought me joy; everything that made me cry; and everything that I took for granted. Thank you for answering every prayer of mine – those I bear witness to and those that your angels bear witness to. There was not even one of them that you didn’t hear and made a call on. I am aware that there was nothing about me that you were unaware of and for that, I am eternally grateful for everything and whatever you brought my way and spared me of. Thank you”
I pray that you will also not be drawn into selective gratitude and truly be thankful, even more, for everything that seemed to have gone wrong for you and the many things you do not know. Happy New year and decade!
Awesome piece